Odds against me

I have been trying to work out for about a month and a half. I really want to get rid of the baby weight. (Okay so the baby weight is probably gone and now I am working on the ice cream weight.) Either way, I have been trying to do something about it, but it seems like someone out there does not want me to fit back into my clothes (which by the way stinks to have a closet full of clothes, and yet nothing to fit/wear.) Shortly after I started I got a clogged duct that knocked me down for a few days and put me on an antibiotic for the second time since Isaac was born. I got feeling better and went to Durango with my family. I took all my running clothes to Durango so I could do a few short runs, then forgot my shoes, nice huh! I got another week and a half or so of workouts in before I came down with another round of strep throat. Back on antibiotics for the third time in two months and down and out for another little bit. I got back on a better schedule working out last week. I was feeling really good this week....then Tuesday happened.

I was riding my bike on a trainer indoors. I was having a good ride with only 5 minutes left and on my last interval. I was standing up for a minute long and was in the middle of that when Asher came in to talk to me. I was paying more attention to him than my riding and before I knew it I was falling. I was clipped in to the pedals, and my clips are too tight so I could not get me feet out. I threw my arm out to cushion the fall (bad idea) and hyper extended my elbow. I was in a fair amount of pain, and still clipped into my bike. I was laying on the ground trying to get the pain under control and get unclipped and out of the awkward position. I eventually did it.

But now my elbow is sore, swollen and left me unable to do most of my workouts....seriously, losing weight is not a bad thing, so why are the odds so against me? I am sure I looked hilarious to Asher as I fell and lay on the ground, and I am now laughing at what a nerd I am. Maybe someday I will be able to take care of myself and get back to it.

Redifing Me

I have made it very clear that Isaac is our last child, and I feel very comfortable with that. Knowing that he was our last helped get me through the pregnancy and especially through another natural delivery. But, as my friends have been having their little babies and I hear of other friends announcing their pregnancies I feel something indescribable. I have been trying to decipher what is going on, and this is what I think:

I do not like being pregnant, that is not a secret. We have no problem getting pregnant, and I have probably close to the easiest pregnancies, but I do not enjoy them. I do not look at pregnant women and feel envious, I am so glad it is not me. That said, nearly half of the last eight years I have been pregnant. It had become who I was. Our life was planned around our pregnancies and when the next little one would come to our family.

The other half of those eight years has been spent nursing, and I have another nine months or so to go. Either I am carrying a little baby inside me, or carrying one attached to me. That has become my way of life, it is what I know. That life pre kiddos seems and feels like a different Brittani.

Do not get me wrong, I do not desire to remain in this state and Grant is not shy about "tapping out." I am excited to move towards the diaperless stage. It is a relief to know I only have 2 more to potty train. I look forward to the option of sleeping through the night. I will get to still hold babies, but give them back when they cry. I will get to be an aunt again.

So why is it so weird for me to say I am done. I think it is because this baby stage is so familiar and comfortable. The five kids have come to us in just under seven years, so we have constantly been in baby stage. This next stage, though exciting, is unknown. It is a change.

Though change often scares me, it does not keep me from it. I suppose these strange feelings are not necessarily knowing how to define myself now that it is not about having another kid. It is about being mom to the ones that are growing up. Part of me is sad that they are getting so big, and time only speeds up.

I am not sure how to cope with this new stage and the unknown nature of it, but I am sure I will figure it out. I am pretty confident that I am not the first woman to go through this and have these emotions. I get to redefine myself, that will be an adventure!

FHE

The kids and I have been clashing a lot lately when it comes to cleaning up. I tell them to do and check in on them periodically. I give them time limits and warnings and try to be patient. I tell them where to clean first and give them direction. I come down for the final inspection and things are NOT done. I want to go ballistic. I feel very conflicted because I am trying to not let them watch very much TV, but as a result toy bombs go off all over the house. If I let them watch TV the house would stay clean, but then they would be watching a lot of TV. So toy bombs it is, but after weeks of fighting about the cleaning I am wearing thin. So yesterday after finding the mess untouched, I wanted to scream and yell and throw all toys away, but came up with a different plan instead. For FHE I explained to the monkeys that there are kids out there that do not have a mom and dad and because of that do not have toys. Some of these kids stay in a place called Child Haven. We decided to go through their toys and books and pick out ones they do not play with or have a lot of extra and give those to Child Haven. Grant and I got to pick the ones we wanted them to keep that we thought were good for their learning and development. The kids got to tell us their favorites, and after that we all made suggestions and compiled a box of toys to give to others, a box of damaged things to throw away, and ended with a clean play room and a happier mom. The kids did great and were excited to be able to give to others. It was a good lesson for us all!

Run Out

Last Wednesday Grant and I went to Colorado to celebrate our 1oth anniversary. It was wonderful and I loved the time with just Grant (and Isaac). On Sunday I was excited to see the other kids and love on them. I felt rejuvenated and as if I had a new supply of patience. Well after four short days, that new supply has run out. I did good all day, but after dinner when things were still not clean, kids were goofing around and not obeying for the umtenth time, I lost it. There was yelling, spanking, crying, throwing away of toys (mostly broken ones, but the kids do not need to know that) and finally obedience and a somewhat picked up house. I wish there was an easier way to motivate...or maybe more appropriately, I wish I was a better more patient mom in my motivation, but here we are...

Helping hands

Today I was having the kids clean up their messes...a daily chore. When I came out of the bathroom I found a sweet little situation. Jamison and Caleb had unloaded the dishwasher, without me even asking, so sweet! The one little problem was that it was a very full dishwasher, but it was not clean. We ended up loading it back up and putting every single utensil in because we were not able to distinguish which ones were dirty or clean. Thank goodness it is the thought that counts!