I have made it very clear that Isaac is our last child, and I feel very comfortable with that. Knowing that he was our last helped get me through the pregnancy and especially through another natural delivery. But, as my friends have been having their little babies and I hear of other friends announcing their pregnancies I feel something indescribable. I have been trying to decipher what is going on, and this is what I think:
I do not like being pregnant, that is not a secret. We have no problem getting pregnant, and I have probably close to the easiest pregnancies, but I do not enjoy them. I do not look at pregnant women and feel envious, I am so glad it is not me. That said, nearly half of the last eight years I have been pregnant. It had become who I was. Our life was planned around our pregnancies and when the next little one would come to our family.
The other half of those eight years has been spent nursing, and I have another nine months or so to go. Either I am carrying a little baby inside me, or carrying one attached to me. That has become my way of life, it is what I know. That life pre kiddos seems and feels like a different Brittani.
Do not get me wrong, I do not desire to remain in this state and Grant is not shy about "tapping out." I am excited to move towards the diaperless stage. It is a relief to know I only have 2 more to potty train. I look forward to the option of sleeping through the night. I will get to still hold babies, but give them back when they cry. I will get to be an aunt again.
So why is it so weird for me to say I am done. I think it is because this baby stage is so familiar and comfortable. The five kids have come to us in just under seven years, so we have constantly been in baby stage. This next stage, though exciting, is unknown. It is a change.
Though change often scares me, it does not keep me from it. I suppose these strange feelings are not necessarily knowing how to define myself now that it is not about having another kid. It is about being mom to the ones that are growing up. Part of me is sad that they are getting so big, and time only speeds up.
I am not sure how to cope with this new stage and the unknown nature of it, but I am sure I will figure it out. I am pretty confident that I am not the first woman to go through this and have these emotions. I get to redefine myself, that will be an adventure!
4 comments:
Well that is a really healthy outlook, good for you. I love the baby stage...it's hard to get older I think! If time could just stop forever sometimes - but then watching Eli grow into his own person is way too exciting to put on hold.
I dont know about you but I am actually excited about not being in the baby stage. Mine are so spread out that once I have gotten a kid all potty trained and able to care for themselves a little bit, I have another! So I am happy that Carly is out last too!
It is a great adventure and I know you will do well at it. I have no doubt about that. Enjoy all those precious moments.....can't get them back.
Well I have the Crazy Aunt roll taken so you can try out for something else. You'll love the new adventures to come, your already there with James in school
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