Are you...

So, I had to go to Walmart this afternoon to look for something for Grant. I was walking in and one lady looked at me and asked, "Are you a daycare." She was so sweet and innocent I had to try and not laugh. "Nope they are all mine." And then the flattery, "How old are you, you look like a teenager." My mom always told me that looking young would someday be a compliment...we are there!

tuning out

I can tune my kids out, this I know. Sometimes Grant has to gently remind me that one of the kids is trying to talk to me. So why do I think it is okay to tune them out when it is clearly not okay for them to tune me out. I have really noticed in the last little bit. The other night I asked the kids to do something nicely three times, and no one even remotely responded to my voice. Grant followed me with the same request, and on the first try the kids jumped into action. He is constantly telling them to obey me and to do so the first time. The other day I was thinking that I should try and go a full day without raising my voice. That very same evening I ended up yelling a demand after asking several times nice. They reacted to the yell...I hate that! Maybe if I stop tuning them out, they will return the favor.

If you were to walk in my closet:

If you were to walk into my closet, there would be three things you would look at and say, "Seriously Brittani, is that necessary?" I probably have too many, but I simply cannot help myself. Your first guess would probably be shoes, but I have actually scaled back on those, just a little bit. What you would see would be a whole slew of white shirts, black shirts and hoodies. I Love white shirts, I love the way they look on, I love how versatile they are...and I cannot resist them. I have a need for white tanks, casual white t-shirts, dressy white t-shirts, white undershirts, white button down....you get the picture. The same can be said about black. And the hoddies, who does not love a good hoodie? I have plain zip, fancy zip, pull overs, 3 major colleges...I love how easy they are, how they hide the mid section, and how warm...I love that feeling. (My black hoodie just died...I am so sad, I guess I have a need!) So no, it may not be necessary, but it is me and as of now I am not going to change!

The attack of the pen

The other day I let the kids sit on our bed and watch television. When I came back a little later I found that Mique had written all over our white down comforter with a ball point pen. I was LIVID, and she was in trouble. I sent Grant a message about it and he asked if I would be able to get it out. As the day went on and I thought about it...trying to not get really bugged, a thought came to mind. If something were to happen to Miquelyn tomorrow I would want the pen marks to last forever and never wash away. It is not that big of a deal, and I will not let it be...I guess it is a matter of "perspective"!

Perspective

As I was running on the treadmill the other day I was thinking about my perceptions and perspective. This is where it started:

I always start my run at about a 12 minute pace and increase it to warm up and get used to running. When I hit the 10 minute a mile pace I feel like I am booking it, but I am still just warming up. I increase the speed more and do intervals with 8:30 minute miles, up to 8 minute mile pace. After I have increased my speed and gotten my heart rate up, I drop my speed back down to catch my breath. I drop it back down to a 10 minute mile pace, only this time instead of feeling like I am booking it, I feel like it is a jog and I can catch my breath. It is the same exact pace, but what I have been through in the meantime affects the way it feels.

It made me think that this is how my trials feel sometimes. When I am beginning them I feel like they are unbearable and like my feet might fly out from underneath me. But as time goes on, and I continue to work through them, I can look back and feel so much less pain and see my growth and new stamina. Our perspective changes if we let it and we can see the good that comes from fighting through the pain!

Mortality

It is odd to see the mortality in a loved one. My Grandma of 85 has many health concerns (parkinsons, diabetes, a condition that makes her randomly pass out) but she is a fighter. Lately she has fallen a lot, but is one tough cookie and always bounces back. She fell again on Thursday, but this one was bad. I went to the hospital to visit her even though I did not know if she would be awake or responsive. When I first walked in it was quite shocking. It was weird to see her in the hospital first of all, but to see her having deteriorated from her normal vibrant self. What was interesting to me was what followed after the initial shock. I sat by her bed and held her hand. I could see her open her eyes, turn towards me and then in her eyes I could see that she recognized me. She cannot speak but all it took was the look in her eyes and a couple pats on the hand. Eyes are truly the window to a persons soul, and I saw that in my Nanny today!

The injury she incurred to her brain has left her body involuntarily fidgety and she trashes around. I learned quickly that holding her hands, without even talking helped her relax her body, if even for moments. She calmed down enough to even get a few winks. It was a reminder to me how powerful a simple touch can be...even a kiss that can calm and relax a person in pain or distress.

While I was there Nanny tried to talk. Papa jumped right up to her side and said, "It is okay honey, what do you want to say? Did you try and say I love you? I love you (said with such tenderness)." Nanny's mouth instantly smiled. It was so wonderful to see that deep love, a love of so long that has been through so much. That is the kind of love we all deserve. What a great example to have.

Even though mortality is rearing its head, it has allowed great awarness and reflection for me.

Being the Aunt...Again!

This week Grant and I went to Las Vegas for a business meeting he had. The cool part about Vegas (besides the outlets, quite possibly the only cool thing) is that my brother and his family recently moved to Vegas, so I got to see my Eva the Diva, Leighton the Monkey and the newest addition Dean, with hair that should make Isaac very, very jealous! Usually when I am around them I have all of my troops with me, so I feel like I have to focus most my energy on my own kids and do not truly get to enjoy my nieces and nephews. Well, this time with only Isaac in tow and Grant there to help, I was finally able to REALLY be present with these cuties! It was sooo much fun to make them giggle, to hold their hands, and to love on them. I cannot even begin to explain how good it felt to be able to help another mother (I feel like my sisters and sister-in-laws are allows giving me aide, and it is soooooo appreciated. I keep telling myself someday my kids will be more independent and I will get a chance to pay it forward.) Well, I was able to have a few moments of being there with my little Webb's, and it was absolutely wonderful. It is so fun to be the aunt again!

Assembly Line

Some days I feel like an assembly line worker. Like on Saturday after baths when it was time to clip finger nails and toe nails. 50 finger nails, 50 toenails and fours "next"s later we were done. It amazes me how fast they grow and leaves me wondering, "When do I trust them to do it on their own?"

C+...maybe a B

One of the things that plagues me is feeling like I do not have any real talents. I know that I hold myself to a ridiculous standard. It so it is silly because Grant and I have talked about it before and he feels the same way, yet I see in him amazing talents and abilities and always wish he could see himself through my eyes...so I remind myself that it is probably the same for me. That said I wish I was an A or A+ in talents (at least one) instead of feeling more like a B in several. I feel like I have the ability to do a lot of things, yet none of them really well. That is why when it comes to talent shows I proudly proclaim that my talent is supporting other people in their talents! I guess I also need to remember that we are usually looking at what we want in others (feeling like that is what we lack) while those very people are looking at us seeing what they wish they had. (Side note, even though I can become a bit envious of others, my gratitude to be surrounded by so many talented, beautiful and amazing people, more than overshadows it!) I made a commitment in my head while driving to Utah last week to stop covering my abilities (limited yet present) and share them. It will be good for me and important for my kids to see. Here is to being a B and being proud of it!

Teenagers

Lately I have been terrified of teenagers...specifically our kids when they are teenagers. Part of this terror is brought on by the teenagers with whom we interact in our ward. It makes me realize some of the things we will be facing in less than 6 years. Grant and I have talked about what we could do to help our kids even before we had kids, but we talk about it a whole lot now. The closer we come to those teen years, the more worried I get. Today listening to General Conference some advice was given to the parents of teenager. My ears perked up and my mind became alert....I need this for future reference. As I listened to the five points, I realized I need it now just as much. It also made me feel good because we are doing most of this. As I reflect on it I realize that as we do it our kids are excited, inquisitive, learning and growing...all the while hopefully building thier own strength and testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ. So I do not forget here they are:

1. Family scripture study
2. Family Prayer
3. Family Home evening
4. Family Dinner
5. Individual Interviews with each kid

I know I cannot make my kids decisions for them, but I do know I want them to be better than we were and want them to live well and be happy. I am grateful for living prophets and apostles that remind us what we can do to help. We will keep on keepin on and hold off those teen years as long as we can...but do everything possible in the mean time to help them be good confident people.

I sure know how to pick them

I do not know how I do it, but I know how to pick them every time. With these odds maybe I should try Vegas...but then again what I am picking is not a good thing. No matter what I always manage to pick the line in the store (mostly grocery store) that will take the longest, even if it is the shortest line. Last week I found a line that was super short, in fact the checker was almost done. And then it began. It appeared as if the man did not have enough money, so he was waiting for someone to come help him out. After a good five minute wait another person finally came and started to decide what they could take out to be able to pay. That process took a bit, but even after that there were problems. Apparently they were trying to pay with food stamps and he was trying to buy some popcorn chicken that food stamps does not cover. They got that out, then between him and two other people they rounded up about 60 cents to pay for it. Then the checker was trying to back everything out on the register to make the cost go down. She had problems and had to call a manager. The manager came over and could not figure it out. I think I was in the store shopping for about 15 minutes, and stood in line for about 35-40. I finally reloaded my cart and changed lines. As soon as I did that the first register finished and left...yep I sure know how to pick them. I have learned to not get frustrated, upset or rude because this is what I do. I always pick the line that is going to have problems. Maybe I should start letting the kids pick the line.

There is definately a beauty beyond "wordly beauty" and I am glad I get to have it in my life!